Knowing that my mom spent $250 on this class for the possibility of getting nothing out of the class scared me beyond belief. I gave myself such severe anxiety that I felt like I couldn’t breathe and was choking even when my head was above water. Watching everyone else perform the saves successfully gave me even more anxiety because every time I tried, I couldn’t reach the ground, as we had been in the water for hours prior - treading water in the 12 foot pool.
At the end of the day I stayed after everyone left to talk to my instructor to maybe meet the next morning to practice, because my test would be later that day. When I tried asking, I couldn’t even ask the question because I started crying. That crying led to me hyperventilating and feeling like I would pass out. I couldn’t stop crying no matter what I tried to do, my mind took over. My instructor was so worried about me because he knew how I normally was and realized I was having a panic attack.
I had never thought of myself as being able to experience one because of how amazing my life was. I was training for my second body building show, I was a straight A student, had amazing friends and loved how my life was going. I was in denial that I could ever have anxiety, much less depression.
That evening I thought back to my freshman year when I swam. I remember my mom driving me to CMU to practice and I remember my heart racing and feeling like I couldn’t breathe. Some days I would even cry when I left the car. I didn’t want to fail, the expectations were set so high for me that my fear of failing led me to success. There came a point where a drill would be explained and I would ask to go to the bathroom and I would stay in there and cry because I didn’t want to let my coaches down by not doing the drill perfectly. After swimming ended, I would feel like I couldn’t breathe every time I saw a lap pool or went to CMU to support friends.
As time went on, I would be sitting in class and I would suddenly feel like I was being choked and that I couldn’t breathe. When I slept, I would suddenly wake up in a cold sweat with fear that I could never describe. I would dream about my biggest fear every night-- me failing.
Then, I realized that I had been putting my mental health aside for so long that I needed help. I reached out to my mom after the classes ended and I got my lifeguard certification - to schedule me an appointment for the doctor.
After some tests and talking to my doctor, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and was started on medication and therapy immediately. I sat in the room and felt so numb that I couldn’t even cry. More than anything, I wanted it all to be a dream. I was so mentally exhausted that I couldn’t say a word and didn’t comprehend how big of a deal this was.
I went and worked out with my dad and could barely tell him what the doctor told me. My life felt like it was crumbling down and I was so numb and I didn’t have feelings. I watched how my parents reacted but I couldn’t react back. It was the worst day of my life. It was such a strain on my family because I couldn’t explain how I felt and my parents felt like they had done something wrong.
I knew that reaching out for help was the best thing for me even though we were all in denial that I in fact had anxiety and depression. After being diagnosed, I slept and ate. That’s all my body had energy for. I slept for 16 hours a day, waking up just to eat and respond on my phone. Within three months after my last bodybuilding show I gained 30 pounds. I lost who I was. I felt so lonely and scared because I felt like no one knew what I was going through.
Through talking with my therapist, I realized that my self critique is what made my great but ended up leading me to a deep dark hole that I never wanted to be in. After 8 months of therapy I realized how to self love and was able to decrease my dosage of medicine. My relationship with my family slowly got mended back together, I got my health under control and I started training for my senior year of softball.
I started going to a new doctor because my previous doctor was a pediatrician and I wanted to get advice to see if I could wean off the medication. I got news that I didn’t want but I respected his professional opinion. My medicine treats anxiety and depression by helping to restore the balance of serotonin in the brain. Therefore, I was told that since the medicine is in fact helping me, I will never be able to get off of it because my body has a shortage of the chemical that controls all of my attributes that make me who I am.
This was hard to swallow but I have accepted the fact and have thrived ever since. While I was going through the hardest part of my life, I did two body building shows, made the varsity softball team my senior year, got my first job and so much more. I am graduating in May with Summa Cum Laude honors, a biliteracy seal, and National Honor Society honors. I will be attending the Colorado School of Mines in the fall to pursue chemistry.
What I want people to realize is that people aren’t perfect no matter what they make it seem. Mental illness is one of the worst things to experience because you can’t control your feelings and you can’t explain them either. My parents and brother were the only ones who knew for months because I didn’t want people to see me differently.
I’ve accepted my new life and am more open about mental illness to those I love. I hope that anyone who ever needs anything has the support system I did to get through it all. Be there for others, listen, even if you don’t understand. Sometimes people just need to talk to someone who doesn’t judge and will love them no matter what, regardless if they understand. Just know that everything happens for a reason and God has amazing plans for us all.
Much love, Marisa
